Let me breathe, to open the doors, to see your eyes
Something like this, I've always wanted to remember
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So I've always kind of struggled with being completely, totally, happy. I mean, there are certain people, who ALWAYS make me happy, and always will. But there seems to be a part of me...that sometimes..not even the brightest sunshine, or the sweetest words can cue. It seems like every part of my soul can radiate joy, and that one little piece, sits in black and white. I mean, not many people honestly know this about me. It's never really been a big deal..I've always thought it was normal. I mean..I basically grew up, dealing with it. But a part of me, has always felt like I'm lying to those when I say they've made me the happiest I've ever been..but I don't tend to throw that around. It's not that I'm lying when I say it. That one little piece of me just gets all battered and blue. Sometimes I know the cause, sometimes I don't. I think I struggle with mild depression, honestly. Maybe it's because I hold onto some things too long? I handle it well..but sometimes..if I don't keep it in check, it can spiral out of control, which..it has a few times. I'm not a self harmer or anything. I wouldn't do that..I couldn't cause such pain to others. But I get in weird mood funks. I hate it..because that's not who I am; That's not who I want to be. So I surround myself with things I love..things that lift my spirits. Incense..because things that smell good, always seem to brighten my day. My ipod..I always need music to confirm what I'm feeling. A pen and some paper...in case I need to write..writing is kind of my outlet, because sometimes I store things up. Certain People. I don't like it. I don't like knowing that..even though I'm an imperfect being..because all humans are..that I'm even a bit more imperfect, because I can't always keep that little part equal to the others...and sometimes that part spreads. As selfish as it seems..sometimes I want to fast forward..and see if things turn out..even a little bit like what I want..or like what I've dreamed of. My moods have been kinda effected by this little piece that just won't be warmed by the sunlight of summer. Today helped a bit, because I went riding and spent some extra time with the CIRT horses, but Tino was a big pain in the butt..and wouldn't do anything right, at all. In a way...I kind of just..want to step back from my life, and see what's causing all this..because..honestly, this time, I'm not too sure. I feel like my efforts are fruitless, that no matter how hard I try..I'm going to end up unhappy even when I'm an old woman. And I know that's not how it's going to end up..at least..I hope not. But that's not what's troubling me..but my whole..touch of depression or whatever you call it..has got me thinking things like that. I hate negativeness..so why is my mind breeding it? Why must it be so destructive? It's not always destructive..so why now? Nothing traumatic has happened. Not recently, at least. I hate the fact that whatever this is..is making me worry. Normally I don't worry a whole heck of a lot. Normally I don't over- analyze or pick apart things too much. I hate how it messes with me. I hate feeling like something's wrong with me..and that's exactly how I feel right now. Why do I have to make things harder on myself, why can't I just figure out what this is? I don't want to worry about it..so why does my mind make me worry about it? I've been trying not to. I really hate how I am though. Some people believe that "God" can fill this spot..and keep it sunshiny. I've tried that. It makes me feel even more..imperfect and wrong. I feel like I kinda missed out on my childhood. If I had that fully..would I still be like this? Probably. I think it's part of me. I think it's another flaw of mine. Why am I so stuck on this right now? It's making me anxious. I need to stop worrying..I never worry like this. But it's like..my mind won't rest. I was so restless last night..I barely slept. I have a feeling tonight will be similar as well. I nap decently though. I had an odd dream last night though. It was so realistic as well. Sometimes..I wonder what other peoples' lives would be like without me. I hate how my mind is jumping right now..I sound so scattered. Why can't I just be..-normal-? Sometimes I wish I was..but then of course, I wouldn't be me. And what is normal, other than a setting on a washing machine? Normal is defined by the media, not by me.
I don't always feel like this, I swear. Sometimes it seems to disappear..but it doesn't..it's always there..looming. It just depends on how it effects me..and how large that spot is..that just won't be what I want it to be.
I just want to remember what it's like to be happy..and what life is really about. I don't want this slight touch of depression to keep tangling me up in it randomly. Though, I think it's something chronic. So I'll live with it, and I'll try not to worry too much, and I'll enjoy every moment I can. Honestly, I'm a happy person, but I have a little piece of me..that won't always let that be. It's just..a part of me. I guess..it's kind of what makes me, me.
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