Don't Give A Damn What Anyone Might Say

I ain't here
to do anything halfway
Don't give a damn
What anyone might say
I just want to freefall
for a while
[Wild At Heart;; Gloriana]

I feel so restless. I feel like I'm stuck in between two levels of adulthood. I could possibly be getting my license..either within the next two weeks..or..early in July. I want my license so bad..but at the same time, I don't have a car of my own. So the only way..I'd really be able to drive myself around on my own..would be if I dropped one of my parents off at work. I think I may end up doing that..I'll more than likely drop my mother off at work..then drive to CIRT, if/when I get license. Also, this means I can drive Margina's car to Springfield..that is..if I go. I had all these great plans..to pet sit for Brandy [Robin's daughter], get paid for that..and get paid for Springfield..and maybe the Easter Seals camp. Well..so far..the only thing that is set in stone..is pet-sitting. There's no way I can buy a laptop from that. But..I'm on a diet, yes, I'm actually sticking to my New Year's resolution [which was to become healthier]..so if I lose as much as I think I'm going to..then..I could always use that money..to buy some new clothes.

There's just something about summer that makes me itch. It makes me itch for my own freedom, my own independence. Summer is supposed to be time of freedom..but I feel as if I'm stuck in this house. I guess..this is one of the few times where I want to be like all the other girls my age. I haven't even gotten to see my Princess Fattykins that much..because Illinois weather changes so quickly. I swear..it's about as moody as a female on her cycle. The thunderstorms are beautiful though.

This blog entry feels so pointless.

I'm kind of excited for my Junior year..I mean..it's the year I'll get my job..it's the year..I'll be taking a duel credit class..though I'm sure I'll take a few of those my senior year. My junior year feels like it's going to be remembered. I'm also..nervous. I have to take the ACT/PSAE tests..and possibly the SAT. I also need to talk to the Job coach at school..so I can get hired somewhere. I've applied so many places..it's insane. I'm waiting until I got back to school now..because..I have random weeks where I'm so busy that I just know I wouldn't get the time off.

Sometimes I wish I had more of a life..but then I realize how busy I am with the barn..and homework when school is in session..I understand that..horses, my education, my volunteer work, and my friends, are my life. So what? Just because I don't go out as often as everyone else..it doesn't mean I don't have a life. My life is just different. I've never been the typical one. Just the thought of being ordinary makes me nauseous.

It's raining again. It's gorgeous. Rain storms always make me think of my great grandmother. Always. We used to sit and watch them together in the sun room at my grandparent's house. I actually used to be scared of thunderstorms when I was a little kid..but when I was with my GG [That's what I used to call her..] I wasn't scared. She was my strength. Her memories, in a way, are now as well. I've since gotten over my fear of thunderstorms..I've grown to love them and their chaotic beauty. GG and I use to go out after a morning or early afternoon storm..and look for rainbows or staircases to heaven [The little strips of light that shine through the still dense clouds..that's what she always called them]. I really miss her. I miss my grandfather as well..who passed away right before winter finals this past school year. I know they'd both be proud of the girl I am. If there is a heaven..then they're both looking down on me..smiling. I actually..still feel cold spots..and feel my great grandmother's presence. I know that not everyone believes in ghosts/spirits..but I've had my own encounters. Quite a few of them.
I'm buying a thumb ring [Because I don't wear many others..and when I do..I wear them on my ring finger..so..I figured I'd never have to take it off..and it's kind of out of the way..so it wouldn't get too scratched.] The thumb ring has a golden tear drop on the outside and on the inside..it says "Until we meet again." It's a memorial ring. It's in memory mainly of my GG and my grandfather..but also to anyone else I've loved and lost...even if they're just gone from my life but not others'. [This is the ring: http://www.overstock.com/Jewelry-Watches/Sterling-Silver-Memorial-Sentiment-Ring/3952226/product.html]

Thinking of love and lost...it just makes me want to make an impact. To make my mark on the world. To help someone, to leave a lasting impression. I want to be remembered after my body dies, I want my memory to live on. I want to be the inspiration for someone else. I want to be something great. I also don't want to take this life for granted. I want to live every day like it's my last. I want to make the most of what I have. It may seem gloomy, but you never know when your last grain of sand will hit the lower half of the hour glass.


I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
[When the sand runs out;; Rascal Flatts]

It's still raining..and dusk is upon this humble house I sit in. The sky is a lovely mixture of pinks and oranges. It almost looks like some tropical drink. Nature really is a beautiful thing...why do we destroy it so?