This World Escapes Through The Parting Of Your Selfish Words

Let me breathe, to open the doors, to see your eyes
Something like this, I've always wanted to remember
_________________________________________

So I've always kind of struggled with being completely, totally, happy. I mean, there are certain people, who ALWAYS make me happy, and always will. But there seems to be a part of me...that sometimes..not even the brightest sunshine, or the sweetest words can cue. It seems like every part of my soul can radiate joy, and that one little piece, sits in black and white. I mean, not many people honestly know this about me. It's never really been a big deal..I've always thought it was normal. I mean..I basically grew up, dealing with it. But a part of me, has always felt like I'm lying to those when I say they've made me the happiest I've ever been..but I don't tend to throw that around. It's not that I'm lying when I say it. That one little piece of me just gets all battered and blue. Sometimes I know the cause, sometimes I don't. I think I struggle with mild depression, honestly. Maybe it's because I hold onto some things too long? I handle it well..but sometimes..if I don't keep it in check, it can spiral out of control, which..it has a few times. I'm not a self harmer or anything. I wouldn't do that..I couldn't cause such pain to others. But I get in weird mood funks. I hate it..because that's not who I am; That's not who I want to be. So I surround myself with things I love..things that lift my spirits. Incense..because things that smell good, always seem to brighten my day. My ipod..I always need music to confirm what I'm feeling. A pen and some paper...in case I need to write..writing is kind of my outlet, because sometimes I store things up. Certain People. I don't like it. I don't like knowing that..even though I'm an imperfect being..because all humans are..that I'm even a bit more imperfect, because I can't always keep that little part equal to the others...and sometimes that part spreads. As selfish as it seems..sometimes I want to fast forward..and see if things turn out..even a little bit like what I want..or like what I've dreamed of. My moods have been kinda effected by this little piece that just won't be warmed by the sunlight of summer. Today helped a bit, because I went riding and spent some extra time with the CIRT horses, but Tino was a big pain in the butt..and wouldn't do anything right, at all. In a way...I kind of just..want to step back from my life, and see what's causing all this..because..honestly, this time, I'm not too sure. I feel like my efforts are fruitless, that no matter how hard I try..I'm going to end up unhappy even when I'm an old woman. And I know that's not how it's going to end up..at least..I hope not. But that's not what's troubling me..but my whole..touch of depression or whatever you call it..has got me thinking things like that. I hate negativeness..so why is my mind breeding it? Why must it be so destructive? It's not always destructive..so why now? Nothing traumatic has happened. Not recently, at least. I hate the fact that whatever this is..is making me worry. Normally I don't worry a whole heck of a lot. Normally I don't over- analyze or pick apart things too much. I hate how it messes with me. I hate feeling like something's wrong with me..and that's exactly how I feel right now. Why do I have to make things harder on myself, why can't I just figure out what this is? I don't want to worry about it..so why does my mind make me worry about it? I've been trying not to. I really hate how I am though. Some people believe that "God" can fill this spot..and keep it sunshiny. I've tried that. It makes me feel even more..imperfect and wrong. I feel like I kinda missed out on my childhood. If I had that fully..would I still be like this? Probably. I think it's part of me. I think it's another flaw of mine. Why am I so stuck on this right now? It's making me anxious. I need to stop worrying..I never worry like this. But it's like..my mind won't rest. I was so restless last night..I barely slept. I have a feeling tonight will be similar as well. I nap decently though. I had an odd dream last night though. It was so realistic as well. Sometimes..I wonder what other peoples' lives would be like without me. I hate how my mind is jumping right now..I sound so scattered. Why can't I just be..-normal-? Sometimes I wish I was..but then of course, I wouldn't be me. And what is normal, other than a setting on a washing machine? Normal is defined by the media, not by me.
I don't always feel like this, I swear. Sometimes it seems to disappear..but it doesn't..it's always there..looming. It just depends on how it effects me..and how large that spot is..that just won't be what I want it to be.
I just want to remember what it's like to be happy..and what life is really about. I don't want this slight touch of depression to keep tangling me up in it randomly. Though, I think it's something chronic. So I'll live with it, and I'll try not to worry too much, and I'll enjoy every moment I can. Honestly, I'm a happy person, but I have a little piece of me..that won't always let that be. It's just..a part of me. I guess..it's kind of what makes me, me.

Don't Give A Damn What Anyone Might Say

I ain't here
to do anything halfway
Don't give a damn
What anyone might say
I just want to freefall
for a while
[Wild At Heart;; Gloriana]

I feel so restless. I feel like I'm stuck in between two levels of adulthood. I could possibly be getting my license..either within the next two weeks..or..early in July. I want my license so bad..but at the same time, I don't have a car of my own. So the only way..I'd really be able to drive myself around on my own..would be if I dropped one of my parents off at work. I think I may end up doing that..I'll more than likely drop my mother off at work..then drive to CIRT, if/when I get license. Also, this means I can drive Margina's car to Springfield..that is..if I go. I had all these great plans..to pet sit for Brandy [Robin's daughter], get paid for that..and get paid for Springfield..and maybe the Easter Seals camp. Well..so far..the only thing that is set in stone..is pet-sitting. There's no way I can buy a laptop from that. But..I'm on a diet, yes, I'm actually sticking to my New Year's resolution [which was to become healthier]..so if I lose as much as I think I'm going to..then..I could always use that money..to buy some new clothes.

There's just something about summer that makes me itch. It makes me itch for my own freedom, my own independence. Summer is supposed to be time of freedom..but I feel as if I'm stuck in this house. I guess..this is one of the few times where I want to be like all the other girls my age. I haven't even gotten to see my Princess Fattykins that much..because Illinois weather changes so quickly. I swear..it's about as moody as a female on her cycle. The thunderstorms are beautiful though.

This blog entry feels so pointless.

I'm kind of excited for my Junior year..I mean..it's the year I'll get my job..it's the year..I'll be taking a duel credit class..though I'm sure I'll take a few of those my senior year. My junior year feels like it's going to be remembered. I'm also..nervous. I have to take the ACT/PSAE tests..and possibly the SAT. I also need to talk to the Job coach at school..so I can get hired somewhere. I've applied so many places..it's insane. I'm waiting until I got back to school now..because..I have random weeks where I'm so busy that I just know I wouldn't get the time off.

Sometimes I wish I had more of a life..but then I realize how busy I am with the barn..and homework when school is in session..I understand that..horses, my education, my volunteer work, and my friends, are my life. So what? Just because I don't go out as often as everyone else..it doesn't mean I don't have a life. My life is just different. I've never been the typical one. Just the thought of being ordinary makes me nauseous.

It's raining again. It's gorgeous. Rain storms always make me think of my great grandmother. Always. We used to sit and watch them together in the sun room at my grandparent's house. I actually used to be scared of thunderstorms when I was a little kid..but when I was with my GG [That's what I used to call her..] I wasn't scared. She was my strength. Her memories, in a way, are now as well. I've since gotten over my fear of thunderstorms..I've grown to love them and their chaotic beauty. GG and I use to go out after a morning or early afternoon storm..and look for rainbows or staircases to heaven [The little strips of light that shine through the still dense clouds..that's what she always called them]. I really miss her. I miss my grandfather as well..who passed away right before winter finals this past school year. I know they'd both be proud of the girl I am. If there is a heaven..then they're both looking down on me..smiling. I actually..still feel cold spots..and feel my great grandmother's presence. I know that not everyone believes in ghosts/spirits..but I've had my own encounters. Quite a few of them.
I'm buying a thumb ring [Because I don't wear many others..and when I do..I wear them on my ring finger..so..I figured I'd never have to take it off..and it's kind of out of the way..so it wouldn't get too scratched.] The thumb ring has a golden tear drop on the outside and on the inside..it says "Until we meet again." It's a memorial ring. It's in memory mainly of my GG and my grandfather..but also to anyone else I've loved and lost...even if they're just gone from my life but not others'. [This is the ring: http://www.overstock.com/Jewelry-Watches/Sterling-Silver-Memorial-Sentiment-Ring/3952226/product.html]

Thinking of love and lost...it just makes me want to make an impact. To make my mark on the world. To help someone, to leave a lasting impression. I want to be remembered after my body dies, I want my memory to live on. I want to be the inspiration for someone else. I want to be something great. I also don't want to take this life for granted. I want to live every day like it's my last. I want to make the most of what I have. It may seem gloomy, but you never know when your last grain of sand will hit the lower half of the hour glass.


I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
[When the sand runs out;; Rascal Flatts]

It's still raining..and dusk is upon this humble house I sit in. The sky is a lovely mixture of pinks and oranges. It almost looks like some tropical drink. Nature really is a beautiful thing...why do we destroy it so?