Thoughts Of My Own
Whose thoughts are these but my own?
Whose preponderance shall indulge
Those around?
Speaking softly, clearly,
I'm an open book, you see.
These words may be only my own,
But I'll sweetly speak of thy heart,
Letting it sing louder than a baby lark.
Such words, they help me find a place,
A place within the dark,
Lighting the way not only for me,
But also for thee.
My thoughts are like poetry,
Floating around,
Only you are able to see,
Only you are able to interpret properly.
Closed off from thee I shall not be,
But others, they do not see
What you are allowed so effortlessly.
You are a part of me,
You understand,
You are my lighthouse, guiding and shining on me, through this sea.
Not only the sea of life,
No; but also the sea of love,
For ours is wider than any one eye can see,
But together,
We can make it be.
Run thy fingers through my hair,
As your heart beats in time,
The lull of yours, perfectly in tune with mine.
On such a feast of love,
We shall dine.
I've been wrong from time to time,
But there's nothing I would ever trade for you.
These thoughts may be but my own,
But I'll gladly share them with you,
For one day, we shall make a house, a home.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
ASVAB Scores
Note: Scoring is based on a 100 student scale. So my scores were better or equal to that number of people. Like..for Verbal Skills..I beat 90 females, 91 males, and 90 students on Average.
Career Exploration Skills:
Verbal Skills:
Female; 90
Male; 91
Average; 90
Test score 61
Math Skills:
Female; 57
Male; 60
Average; 59
Test score 52
Science And Technical Skills:
Female; 84
Male; 64
Average; 74
Test score 56
ASVAB Tests
General Science:
Female; 79
Male; 69
Average; 74
Test score 56
Arithmetic Reasoning:
Female;58
Male; 54
Average; 56
Test score 51
Word Knowledge:
Female; 94
Male; 95
Average; 95
Test score 64
Paragraph Comprehension:
Female; 60
Male; 63
Average; 62
Test score 54
Mathematics Knowledge:
Female; 52
Male; 59
Average; 56
Test score 52
Electronics Information:
Female; 97
Male; 79
Average; 88
Test score 60
Auto And Shop Information:
Female; 26
Male; 11
Average; 19
Test score 41
Mechanical Comprehension:
Female; 57
Male; 34
Average; 45
Test score 50
Career Exploration Skills:
Verbal Skills:
Female; 90
Male; 91
Average; 90
Test score 61
Math Skills:
Female; 57
Male; 60
Average; 59
Test score 52
Science And Technical Skills:
Female; 84
Male; 64
Average; 74
Test score 56
ASVAB Tests
General Science:
Female; 79
Male; 69
Average; 74
Test score 56
Arithmetic Reasoning:
Female;58
Male; 54
Average; 56
Test score 51
Word Knowledge:
Female; 94
Male; 95
Average; 95
Test score 64
Paragraph Comprehension:
Female; 60
Male; 63
Average; 62
Test score 54
Mathematics Knowledge:
Female; 52
Male; 59
Average; 56
Test score 52
Electronics Information:
Female; 97
Male; 79
Average; 88
Test score 60
Auto And Shop Information:
Female; 26
Male; 11
Average; 19
Test score 41
Mechanical Comprehension:
Female; 57
Male; 34
Average; 45
Test score 50
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Rhetoric Of Love
Bright, sun-shiny days
Chase away all the gray,
Deeply I mean every word I say,
Thoughts of you still linger while in my bed, I lay.
Of you, I could dream all day,
Together we're meant to stay.
My heart shan't be in dismay,
As long as we never fray.
When we kiss,
It's pure bliss,
A feeling that I never want to miss;
Our love, forever is this.
We must be some part of a plan,
With your hands to hold, I know that I can,
I can give my very best, to such a deserving man,
Such a man keeps a warm hold on my heart, like a gentle summer tan.
Hand in hand,
Till the last grain of sand,
Together we stand,
Our love, oh-so grand.
Bright, sun-shiny days
Chase away all the gray,
Deeply I mean every word I say,
Thoughts of you still linger while in my bed, I lay.
Of you, I could dream all day,
Together we're meant to stay.
My heart shan't be in dismay,
As long as we never fray.
When we kiss,
It's pure bliss,
A feeling that I never want to miss;
Our love, forever is this.
We must be some part of a plan,
With your hands to hold, I know that I can,
I can give my very best, to such a deserving man,
Such a man keeps a warm hold on my heart, like a gentle summer tan.
Hand in hand,
Till the last grain of sand,
Together we stand,
Our love, oh-so grand.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Poetic Musings
Why Now?
Why now do I feel remorse,
Why now do we converse?
Why now do you treat me like you once did?
Hear, for I do not kid,
It were your lips
I once yearned to kiss;
But then they turned to ice,
Ripping me apart like a tiny set of knives;
But now,
Now you're trying to soften the blow,
But these wounds, they shall not heal without glorious scars.
Why now?
Why do you now decide to treat me like a princess?
Why did it ever cease;
Do you not understand all you've done to me?
Your laugh, your love,
It once made me so high,
But soon 'enough, you left our passion on the roadside,
To slowly shutter, wither away, and die;
So I had to lie,
Merely just to appease you;
But baby, you couldn't keep me anymore.
Time and I weren't to allow it;
Our love was grand when it was born,
And now, I've left you just a little bit more torn.
So why now?
Why now can you look me in the eye,
Stating how deeply your love runs,
When less than a week ago,
Your love felt as if it ran drier than any desert.
Why now do you try con your way back into my heart?
Honestly, you had had it from the start,
Then you left it there in the dark;
Never knowing if things would ever re-spark.
But, alas, that mysterious questions is solved,
Our love, it once fizzled, but now it's dissolved;
Leaving us as friends, not lovers.
For the least, we shan't know further pain from one another,
This was a lesson from which we've both gained,
But tell me, why now?
Why now do you say my name so sweetly, once again?
Why now must you torment me with what we once had,
Before the trap-door beneath me caved,
Letting me hang, for lying, but the lie was in vain,
And let me hang, for crossing away from my self so far; so far from the true me;
I beg of you, why now do you do such things?
Why did I bear the load,
Why did you not even seem to know?
Yes, some obvious, quite!
Regardless of the lie,
I was self-less, I only cared for your happiness;
Not a word of my own was to be spoken;
And now,
Now you torment me like a martyr,
For making you so happy, like I did.
Please, don't place thy kiss upon my neck,
Or thy hand upon the small of my back.
Why do I voice this now, you lovingly ask;
Because we're nothing more than words upon a page now,
We're not lovers, no way, no how.
Don't wrinkle your brow,
You know why now,
For now, we are just but friends,
Which is better than nothing at all.
So please, don't be confused,
You're not someone I want to lose, fully,
But you're also not someone I want to have and to hold.
So please, don't knock upon my door,
Expecting me to pick your heart up off the floor.
So why now do you start to try again?
There shall never be an "us" again.
The Promise Of Today
I may be unable to see into the future,
But it's still your words that
Make me fumble for my own,
It's still your hand I want to hold.
Forever may not be forever,
If real life gets in the way,
I'm still thankful for the time together.
We've managed to outlast a storm or two,
And we'll try to continue on our way;
And there is no doubt, you'll be in my heart, forever.
Together now is a blessing,
And if reality dons her scornful curse,
Then at least we had the time we did.
I don't regret a thing,
We're not a mere fling,
No, you've made my heart sing.
I may not be able to see if our love,
Our astounding love,
Will outlast our lives,
But I can promise,
You're always going to have a special place
In my heart,
And I will try my hardest to make this work.
It's not going to be easy,
The best things in life never are;
But I want you near, not far.
I promise to strive for us, everyday,
In every single way.
I can't promise forever,
But I can promise today.
^ Two most recent poems.
:3
Thoughts?
Why now do I feel remorse,
Why now do we converse?
Why now do you treat me like you once did?
Hear, for I do not kid,
It were your lips
I once yearned to kiss;
But then they turned to ice,
Ripping me apart like a tiny set of knives;
But now,
Now you're trying to soften the blow,
But these wounds, they shall not heal without glorious scars.
Why now?
Why do you now decide to treat me like a princess?
Why did it ever cease;
Do you not understand all you've done to me?
Your laugh, your love,
It once made me so high,
But soon 'enough, you left our passion on the roadside,
To slowly shutter, wither away, and die;
So I had to lie,
Merely just to appease you;
But baby, you couldn't keep me anymore.
Time and I weren't to allow it;
Our love was grand when it was born,
And now, I've left you just a little bit more torn.
So why now?
Why now can you look me in the eye,
Stating how deeply your love runs,
When less than a week ago,
Your love felt as if it ran drier than any desert.
Why now do you try con your way back into my heart?
Honestly, you had had it from the start,
Then you left it there in the dark;
Never knowing if things would ever re-spark.
But, alas, that mysterious questions is solved,
Our love, it once fizzled, but now it's dissolved;
Leaving us as friends, not lovers.
For the least, we shan't know further pain from one another,
This was a lesson from which we've both gained,
But tell me, why now?
Why now do you say my name so sweetly, once again?
Why now must you torment me with what we once had,
Before the trap-door beneath me caved,
Letting me hang, for lying, but the lie was in vain,
And let me hang, for crossing away from my self so far; so far from the true me;
I beg of you, why now do you do such things?
Why did I bear the load,
Why did you not even seem to know?
Yes, some obvious, quite!
Regardless of the lie,
I was self-less, I only cared for your happiness;
Not a word of my own was to be spoken;
And now,
Now you torment me like a martyr,
For making you so happy, like I did.
Please, don't place thy kiss upon my neck,
Or thy hand upon the small of my back.
Why do I voice this now, you lovingly ask;
Because we're nothing more than words upon a page now,
We're not lovers, no way, no how.
Don't wrinkle your brow,
You know why now,
For now, we are just but friends,
Which is better than nothing at all.
So please, don't be confused,
You're not someone I want to lose, fully,
But you're also not someone I want to have and to hold.
So please, don't knock upon my door,
Expecting me to pick your heart up off the floor.
So why now do you start to try again?
There shall never be an "us" again.
The Promise Of Today
I may be unable to see into the future,
But it's still your words that
Make me fumble for my own,
It's still your hand I want to hold.
Forever may not be forever,
If real life gets in the way,
I'm still thankful for the time together.
We've managed to outlast a storm or two,
And we'll try to continue on our way;
And there is no doubt, you'll be in my heart, forever.
Together now is a blessing,
And if reality dons her scornful curse,
Then at least we had the time we did.
I don't regret a thing,
We're not a mere fling,
No, you've made my heart sing.
I may not be able to see if our love,
Our astounding love,
Will outlast our lives,
But I can promise,
You're always going to have a special place
In my heart,
And I will try my hardest to make this work.
It's not going to be easy,
The best things in life never are;
But I want you near, not far.
I promise to strive for us, everyday,
In every single way.
I can't promise forever,
But I can promise today.
^ Two most recent poems.
:3
Thoughts?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
This World Escapes Through The Parting Of Your Selfish Words
Let me breathe, to open the doors, to see your eyes
Something like this, I've always wanted to remember
_________________________________________
So I've always kind of struggled with being completely, totally, happy. I mean, there are certain people, who ALWAYS make me happy, and always will. But there seems to be a part of me...that sometimes..not even the brightest sunshine, or the sweetest words can cue. It seems like every part of my soul can radiate joy, and that one little piece, sits in black and white. I mean, not many people honestly know this about me. It's never really been a big deal..I've always thought it was normal. I mean..I basically grew up, dealing with it. But a part of me, has always felt like I'm lying to those when I say they've made me the happiest I've ever been..but I don't tend to throw that around. It's not that I'm lying when I say it. That one little piece of me just gets all battered and blue. Sometimes I know the cause, sometimes I don't. I think I struggle with mild depression, honestly. Maybe it's because I hold onto some things too long? I handle it well..but sometimes..if I don't keep it in check, it can spiral out of control, which..it has a few times. I'm not a self harmer or anything. I wouldn't do that..I couldn't cause such pain to others. But I get in weird mood funks. I hate it..because that's not who I am; That's not who I want to be. So I surround myself with things I love..things that lift my spirits. Incense..because things that smell good, always seem to brighten my day. My ipod..I always need music to confirm what I'm feeling. A pen and some paper...in case I need to write..writing is kind of my outlet, because sometimes I store things up. Certain People. I don't like it. I don't like knowing that..even though I'm an imperfect being..because all humans are..that I'm even a bit more imperfect, because I can't always keep that little part equal to the others...and sometimes that part spreads. As selfish as it seems..sometimes I want to fast forward..and see if things turn out..even a little bit like what I want..or like what I've dreamed of. My moods have been kinda effected by this little piece that just won't be warmed by the sunlight of summer. Today helped a bit, because I went riding and spent some extra time with the CIRT horses, but Tino was a big pain in the butt..and wouldn't do anything right, at all. In a way...I kind of just..want to step back from my life, and see what's causing all this..because..honestly, this time, I'm not too sure. I feel like my efforts are fruitless, that no matter how hard I try..I'm going to end up unhappy even when I'm an old woman. And I know that's not how it's going to end up..at least..I hope not. But that's not what's troubling me..but my whole..touch of depression or whatever you call it..has got me thinking things like that. I hate negativeness..so why is my mind breeding it? Why must it be so destructive? It's not always destructive..so why now? Nothing traumatic has happened. Not recently, at least. I hate the fact that whatever this is..is making me worry. Normally I don't worry a whole heck of a lot. Normally I don't over- analyze or pick apart things too much. I hate how it messes with me. I hate feeling like something's wrong with me..and that's exactly how I feel right now. Why do I have to make things harder on myself, why can't I just figure out what this is? I don't want to worry about it..so why does my mind make me worry about it? I've been trying not to. I really hate how I am though. Some people believe that "God" can fill this spot..and keep it sunshiny. I've tried that. It makes me feel even more..imperfect and wrong. I feel like I kinda missed out on my childhood. If I had that fully..would I still be like this? Probably. I think it's part of me. I think it's another flaw of mine. Why am I so stuck on this right now? It's making me anxious. I need to stop worrying..I never worry like this. But it's like..my mind won't rest. I was so restless last night..I barely slept. I have a feeling tonight will be similar as well. I nap decently though. I had an odd dream last night though. It was so realistic as well. Sometimes..I wonder what other peoples' lives would be like without me. I hate how my mind is jumping right now..I sound so scattered. Why can't I just be..-normal-? Sometimes I wish I was..but then of course, I wouldn't be me. And what is normal, other than a setting on a washing machine? Normal is defined by the media, not by me.
I don't always feel like this, I swear. Sometimes it seems to disappear..but it doesn't..it's always there..looming. It just depends on how it effects me..and how large that spot is..that just won't be what I want it to be.
I just want to remember what it's like to be happy..and what life is really about. I don't want this slight touch of depression to keep tangling me up in it randomly. Though, I think it's something chronic. So I'll live with it, and I'll try not to worry too much, and I'll enjoy every moment I can. Honestly, I'm a happy person, but I have a little piece of me..that won't always let that be. It's just..a part of me. I guess..it's kind of what makes me, me.
Something like this, I've always wanted to remember
_________________________________________
So I've always kind of struggled with being completely, totally, happy. I mean, there are certain people, who ALWAYS make me happy, and always will. But there seems to be a part of me...that sometimes..not even the brightest sunshine, or the sweetest words can cue. It seems like every part of my soul can radiate joy, and that one little piece, sits in black and white. I mean, not many people honestly know this about me. It's never really been a big deal..I've always thought it was normal. I mean..I basically grew up, dealing with it. But a part of me, has always felt like I'm lying to those when I say they've made me the happiest I've ever been..but I don't tend to throw that around. It's not that I'm lying when I say it. That one little piece of me just gets all battered and blue. Sometimes I know the cause, sometimes I don't. I think I struggle with mild depression, honestly. Maybe it's because I hold onto some things too long? I handle it well..but sometimes..if I don't keep it in check, it can spiral out of control, which..it has a few times. I'm not a self harmer or anything. I wouldn't do that..I couldn't cause such pain to others. But I get in weird mood funks. I hate it..because that's not who I am; That's not who I want to be. So I surround myself with things I love..things that lift my spirits. Incense..because things that smell good, always seem to brighten my day. My ipod..I always need music to confirm what I'm feeling. A pen and some paper...in case I need to write..writing is kind of my outlet, because sometimes I store things up. Certain People. I don't like it. I don't like knowing that..even though I'm an imperfect being..because all humans are..that I'm even a bit more imperfect, because I can't always keep that little part equal to the others...and sometimes that part spreads. As selfish as it seems..sometimes I want to fast forward..and see if things turn out..even a little bit like what I want..or like what I've dreamed of. My moods have been kinda effected by this little piece that just won't be warmed by the sunlight of summer. Today helped a bit, because I went riding and spent some extra time with the CIRT horses, but Tino was a big pain in the butt..and wouldn't do anything right, at all. In a way...I kind of just..want to step back from my life, and see what's causing all this..because..honestly, this time, I'm not too sure. I feel like my efforts are fruitless, that no matter how hard I try..I'm going to end up unhappy even when I'm an old woman. And I know that's not how it's going to end up..at least..I hope not. But that's not what's troubling me..but my whole..touch of depression or whatever you call it..has got me thinking things like that. I hate negativeness..so why is my mind breeding it? Why must it be so destructive? It's not always destructive..so why now? Nothing traumatic has happened. Not recently, at least. I hate the fact that whatever this is..is making me worry. Normally I don't worry a whole heck of a lot. Normally I don't over- analyze or pick apart things too much. I hate how it messes with me. I hate feeling like something's wrong with me..and that's exactly how I feel right now. Why do I have to make things harder on myself, why can't I just figure out what this is? I don't want to worry about it..so why does my mind make me worry about it? I've been trying not to. I really hate how I am though. Some people believe that "God" can fill this spot..and keep it sunshiny. I've tried that. It makes me feel even more..imperfect and wrong. I feel like I kinda missed out on my childhood. If I had that fully..would I still be like this? Probably. I think it's part of me. I think it's another flaw of mine. Why am I so stuck on this right now? It's making me anxious. I need to stop worrying..I never worry like this. But it's like..my mind won't rest. I was so restless last night..I barely slept. I have a feeling tonight will be similar as well. I nap decently though. I had an odd dream last night though. It was so realistic as well. Sometimes..I wonder what other peoples' lives would be like without me. I hate how my mind is jumping right now..I sound so scattered. Why can't I just be..-normal-? Sometimes I wish I was..but then of course, I wouldn't be me. And what is normal, other than a setting on a washing machine? Normal is defined by the media, not by me.
I don't always feel like this, I swear. Sometimes it seems to disappear..but it doesn't..it's always there..looming. It just depends on how it effects me..and how large that spot is..that just won't be what I want it to be.
I just want to remember what it's like to be happy..and what life is really about. I don't want this slight touch of depression to keep tangling me up in it randomly. Though, I think it's something chronic. So I'll live with it, and I'll try not to worry too much, and I'll enjoy every moment I can. Honestly, I'm a happy person, but I have a little piece of me..that won't always let that be. It's just..a part of me. I guess..it's kind of what makes me, me.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Don't Give A Damn What Anyone Might Say
I ain't here
to do anything halfway
Don't give a damn
What anyone might say
I just want to freefall
for a while
[Wild At Heart;; Gloriana]
I feel so restless. I feel like I'm stuck in between two levels of adulthood. I could possibly be getting my license..either within the next two weeks..or..early in July. I want my license so bad..but at the same time, I don't have a car of my own. So the only way..I'd really be able to drive myself around on my own..would be if I dropped one of my parents off at work. I think I may end up doing that..I'll more than likely drop my mother off at work..then drive to CIRT, if/when I get license. Also, this means I can drive Margina's car to Springfield..that is..if I go. I had all these great plans..to pet sit for Brandy [Robin's daughter], get paid for that..and get paid for Springfield..and maybe the Easter Seals camp. Well..so far..the only thing that is set in stone..is pet-sitting. There's no way I can buy a laptop from that. But..I'm on a diet, yes, I'm actually sticking to my New Year's resolution [which was to become healthier]..so if I lose as much as I think I'm going to..then..I could always use that money..to buy some new clothes.
There's just something about summer that makes me itch. It makes me itch for my own freedom, my own independence. Summer is supposed to be time of freedom..but I feel as if I'm stuck in this house. I guess..this is one of the few times where I want to be like all the other girls my age. I haven't even gotten to see my Princess Fattykins that much..because Illinois weather changes so quickly. I swear..it's about as moody as a female on her cycle. The thunderstorms are beautiful though.
This blog entry feels so pointless.
I'm kind of excited for my Junior year..I mean..it's the year I'll get my job..it's the year..I'll be taking a duel credit class..though I'm sure I'll take a few of those my senior year. My junior year feels like it's going to be remembered. I'm also..nervous. I have to take the ACT/PSAE tests..and possibly the SAT. I also need to talk to the Job coach at school..so I can get hired somewhere. I've applied so many places..it's insane. I'm waiting until I got back to school now..because..I have random weeks where I'm so busy that I just know I wouldn't get the time off.
Sometimes I wish I had more of a life..but then I realize how busy I am with the barn..and homework when school is in session..I understand that..horses, my education, my volunteer work, and my friends, are my life. So what? Just because I don't go out as often as everyone else..it doesn't mean I don't have a life. My life is just different. I've never been the typical one. Just the thought of being ordinary makes me nauseous.
It's raining again. It's gorgeous. Rain storms always make me think of my great grandmother. Always. We used to sit and watch them together in the sun room at my grandparent's house. I actually used to be scared of thunderstorms when I was a little kid..but when I was with my GG [That's what I used to call her..] I wasn't scared. She was my strength. Her memories, in a way, are now as well. I've since gotten over my fear of thunderstorms..I've grown to love them and their chaotic beauty. GG and I use to go out after a morning or early afternoon storm..and look for rainbows or staircases to heaven [The little strips of light that shine through the still dense clouds..that's what she always called them]. I really miss her. I miss my grandfather as well..who passed away right before winter finals this past school year. I know they'd both be proud of the girl I am. If there is a heaven..then they're both looking down on me..smiling. I actually..still feel cold spots..and feel my great grandmother's presence. I know that not everyone believes in ghosts/spirits..but I've had my own encounters. Quite a few of them.
I'm buying a thumb ring [Because I don't wear many others..and when I do..I wear them on my ring finger..so..I figured I'd never have to take it off..and it's kind of out of the way..so it wouldn't get too scratched.] The thumb ring has a golden tear drop on the outside and on the inside..it says "Until we meet again." It's a memorial ring. It's in memory mainly of my GG and my grandfather..but also to anyone else I've loved and lost...even if they're just gone from my life but not others'. [This is the ring: http://www.overstock.com/Jewelry-Watches/Sterling-Silver-Memorial-Sentiment-Ring/3952226/product.html]
Thinking of love and lost...it just makes me want to make an impact. To make my mark on the world. To help someone, to leave a lasting impression. I want to be remembered after my body dies, I want my memory to live on. I want to be the inspiration for someone else. I want to be something great. I also don't want to take this life for granted. I want to live every day like it's my last. I want to make the most of what I have. It may seem gloomy, but you never know when your last grain of sand will hit the lower half of the hour glass.
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
[When the sand runs out;; Rascal Flatts]
It's still raining..and dusk is upon this humble house I sit in. The sky is a lovely mixture of pinks and oranges. It almost looks like some tropical drink. Nature really is a beautiful thing...why do we destroy it so?
to do anything halfway
Don't give a damn
What anyone might say
I just want to freefall
for a while
[Wild At Heart;; Gloriana]
I feel so restless. I feel like I'm stuck in between two levels of adulthood. I could possibly be getting my license..either within the next two weeks..or..early in July. I want my license so bad..but at the same time, I don't have a car of my own. So the only way..I'd really be able to drive myself around on my own..would be if I dropped one of my parents off at work. I think I may end up doing that..I'll more than likely drop my mother off at work..then drive to CIRT, if/when I get license. Also, this means I can drive Margina's car to Springfield..that is..if I go. I had all these great plans..to pet sit for Brandy [Robin's daughter], get paid for that..and get paid for Springfield..and maybe the Easter Seals camp. Well..so far..the only thing that is set in stone..is pet-sitting. There's no way I can buy a laptop from that. But..I'm on a diet, yes, I'm actually sticking to my New Year's resolution [which was to become healthier]..so if I lose as much as I think I'm going to..then..I could always use that money..to buy some new clothes.
There's just something about summer that makes me itch. It makes me itch for my own freedom, my own independence. Summer is supposed to be time of freedom..but I feel as if I'm stuck in this house. I guess..this is one of the few times where I want to be like all the other girls my age. I haven't even gotten to see my Princess Fattykins that much..because Illinois weather changes so quickly. I swear..it's about as moody as a female on her cycle. The thunderstorms are beautiful though.
This blog entry feels so pointless.
I'm kind of excited for my Junior year..I mean..it's the year I'll get my job..it's the year..I'll be taking a duel credit class..though I'm sure I'll take a few of those my senior year. My junior year feels like it's going to be remembered. I'm also..nervous. I have to take the ACT/PSAE tests..and possibly the SAT. I also need to talk to the Job coach at school..so I can get hired somewhere. I've applied so many places..it's insane. I'm waiting until I got back to school now..because..I have random weeks where I'm so busy that I just know I wouldn't get the time off.
Sometimes I wish I had more of a life..but then I realize how busy I am with the barn..and homework when school is in session..I understand that..horses, my education, my volunteer work, and my friends, are my life. So what? Just because I don't go out as often as everyone else..it doesn't mean I don't have a life. My life is just different. I've never been the typical one. Just the thought of being ordinary makes me nauseous.
It's raining again. It's gorgeous. Rain storms always make me think of my great grandmother. Always. We used to sit and watch them together in the sun room at my grandparent's house. I actually used to be scared of thunderstorms when I was a little kid..but when I was with my GG [That's what I used to call her..] I wasn't scared. She was my strength. Her memories, in a way, are now as well. I've since gotten over my fear of thunderstorms..I've grown to love them and their chaotic beauty. GG and I use to go out after a morning or early afternoon storm..and look for rainbows or staircases to heaven [The little strips of light that shine through the still dense clouds..that's what she always called them]. I really miss her. I miss my grandfather as well..who passed away right before winter finals this past school year. I know they'd both be proud of the girl I am. If there is a heaven..then they're both looking down on me..smiling. I actually..still feel cold spots..and feel my great grandmother's presence. I know that not everyone believes in ghosts/spirits..but I've had my own encounters. Quite a few of them.
I'm buying a thumb ring [Because I don't wear many others..and when I do..I wear them on my ring finger..so..I figured I'd never have to take it off..and it's kind of out of the way..so it wouldn't get too scratched.] The thumb ring has a golden tear drop on the outside and on the inside..it says "Until we meet again." It's a memorial ring. It's in memory mainly of my GG and my grandfather..but also to anyone else I've loved and lost...even if they're just gone from my life but not others'. [This is the ring: http://www.overstock.com/Jewelry-Watches/Sterling-Silver-Memorial-Sentiment-Ring/3952226/product.html]
Thinking of love and lost...it just makes me want to make an impact. To make my mark on the world. To help someone, to leave a lasting impression. I want to be remembered after my body dies, I want my memory to live on. I want to be the inspiration for someone else. I want to be something great. I also don't want to take this life for granted. I want to live every day like it's my last. I want to make the most of what I have. It may seem gloomy, but you never know when your last grain of sand will hit the lower half of the hour glass.
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
[When the sand runs out;; Rascal Flatts]
It's still raining..and dusk is upon this humble house I sit in. The sky is a lovely mixture of pinks and oranges. It almost looks like some tropical drink. Nature really is a beautiful thing...why do we destroy it so?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Can You Look Me In The Eyes And Tell Me That You're Happy?
Is anyone ever completely and fully happy? Or do we allow that mask that we've grown so accustom to having on, grow onto us permanently, and let it trick us, making us think we're happy, when we're really the hollowest thing around?
Of all the feelings in the world, why do happiness and love seem so dear to us? Why do we strive so much for them? Some may claim that those really aren't what most beings strive towards, but rather a successful life. Do you not have a successful life if you have happiness and love? And does happiness not ride on the coattails of success?
To be fair, some successful people, are very unhappy people, with detrimental habits, that destroy them almost as much as their unhappiness does.
Happiness comes and goes. It is but a sailboat, drifting out in the open sea, being gently blown towards one, or violently churned away, either way, it's always there, somewhere. Whether it's within eyesight, or just barely within reach, it's still there. Even in the darkest of times.
Simply put, happiness is a state of mind. Yes, It's also much more than that. It's also a feeling. Sometime it's what puts the smile on your face, and other times, it's the feeling you can't seem to replace. It can also be associated with the butterflies in your stomach, because someone else is making you happy. But it's all a state of mind. Other people may do things that upset you, and hurt you, but in the end, how you respond to everything, is your own choice. How you learn from your lost battles, and how you deal with different situations, is your own choice. Other people play a role in your happiness, but in the end, you are the deciding factor. You control your own happiness, so why let it be a fraud?
Of all the feelings in the world, why do happiness and love seem so dear to us? Why do we strive so much for them? Some may claim that those really aren't what most beings strive towards, but rather a successful life. Do you not have a successful life if you have happiness and love? And does happiness not ride on the coattails of success?
To be fair, some successful people, are very unhappy people, with detrimental habits, that destroy them almost as much as their unhappiness does.
Happiness comes and goes. It is but a sailboat, drifting out in the open sea, being gently blown towards one, or violently churned away, either way, it's always there, somewhere. Whether it's within eyesight, or just barely within reach, it's still there. Even in the darkest of times.
Simply put, happiness is a state of mind. Yes, It's also much more than that. It's also a feeling. Sometime it's what puts the smile on your face, and other times, it's the feeling you can't seem to replace. It can also be associated with the butterflies in your stomach, because someone else is making you happy. But it's all a state of mind. Other people may do things that upset you, and hurt you, but in the end, how you respond to everything, is your own choice. How you learn from your lost battles, and how you deal with different situations, is your own choice. Other people play a role in your happiness, but in the end, you are the deciding factor. You control your own happiness, so why let it be a fraud?
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
And Tell Me If I'm Dying
.......Cause I Don't Wanna Know.
Because when you keep giving pieces of your heart
away to people who would throw them aside,
how much would you have left?
At the end of the day,
would you be left to pick up the pieces all by yourself?
Do you ever wish you could just disappear? To just..cease being? I've felt that way..for so long. I've hidden it so well. And I've gotten so wrapped up in certain moments, that..in that space in time, I didn't feel so bad.
I feel so selfish though. For wishing myself away, when I know my friends and family would miss me..But I feel as if it would reduce complications with everyone.
I almost feel as if I'm too fragile. But I have such an intricate mind, that it takes a special kind of person to even begin to decode me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone who figure it out better than most. Time shall tell, I suppose.
My moods have been so up and down lately.
One minute I'm happy, the next I can't even stand the thought of being around those who are so happy...
I'm partly to blame for my own moods, for allowing people to make me feel bad.
But I also am senstive, and I respond to different things that happen.
My trust is very battered and broken right now. I trust those who deserve it.
I know this isn't the end of the world. I just wish I didn't feel so horrible. But from rain, comes sunshine. So in the end, It'll all be worth it.
Because when you keep giving pieces of your heart
away to people who would throw them aside,
how much would you have left?
At the end of the day,
would you be left to pick up the pieces all by yourself?
Do you ever wish you could just disappear? To just..cease being? I've felt that way..for so long. I've hidden it so well. And I've gotten so wrapped up in certain moments, that..in that space in time, I didn't feel so bad.
I feel so selfish though. For wishing myself away, when I know my friends and family would miss me..But I feel as if it would reduce complications with everyone.
I almost feel as if I'm too fragile. But I have such an intricate mind, that it takes a special kind of person to even begin to decode me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone who figure it out better than most. Time shall tell, I suppose.
My moods have been so up and down lately.
One minute I'm happy, the next I can't even stand the thought of being around those who are so happy...
I'm partly to blame for my own moods, for allowing people to make me feel bad.
But I also am senstive, and I respond to different things that happen.
My trust is very battered and broken right now. I trust those who deserve it.
I know this isn't the end of the world. I just wish I didn't feel so horrible. But from rain, comes sunshine. So in the end, It'll all be worth it.
Friday, February 05, 2010
This is no place to try and live my life
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
This is no place to try and live my life.
_______________________________________
I have this never-sinking feeling, that...If I don't get out of here, right after I graduate highschool, that Peoria is going to be someplace...I get stuck. Nothing against Peoria, but I feel as if it has nothing left to offer. Yes, all teenagers think that about their hometown..but I'm making the steps to get out of here, as soon as possible.
I'm taking as many classes as possible, and they're mostly relevant to what I want to master in. And alot of them, are one semester classes, which means they're more focused, somewhat.
I'm already getting tons of stuff from colleges...
And I'm taking an even bigger step..I'm setting up an appointment, with an ICC admissions councilor soon, to see if I can get myself set up with some basic college courses for either, the first and second semester of my junior year, or the last semester and a summer semester of my junior year, and I hopefully want to do this my senior year, as well. My Peoria Promise [ the stuff that pays for two years of college] doesn't go into effect until AFTER I graduate though..So..My mom and dad would be paying for the classes, but, in the end, it would be worth it. I deffiantly need to talk to an admissions councilor soon, to see what tests I need to pass, and if it's possible to get me set up.
These are all the classes I'm taking my junior year [in highschool, the college thing..still needs to be set up.]
Health Careers II [ I took Health Careers One, the first semester of my sophomore year, second semester was First Aid] {This is the Dual Credit class! :D } One Semester Class.
Health Care Connections One semester class
English 5-6 [fifth and sixth semester, so it's a full year class]
Journalism :D One semester
Spanish [1-2, first and second semester of this language, full year class.]
Mathematical Investigations {It's like..geometry, and algebra. It's a mixture. My guidance councilor strongly suggested it over plain geometry.} [full year class]
AP Psychology One semester class
US History [Full year class]
Andddd Early bird PE. [full year]
I quit ROTC, yes.
It didn't feel right for me anymore, honestly.
Senior year, I'll probably take a whole bunch of classes too. :]
I don't mind the work...It'll pay off, in the end.
__________________________________________________________
"Dreams are extremely important. You can’t do it unless you imagine it."
–– George Lucas
"No dream comes true until you wake up and go to work." Anonymous
"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
William Shakespeare
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."Henry David Thoreau
"Toil, feel, think, hope; you will be sure to dream enough before you die, without arranging for it." John Sterling
"If your determination is fixed, I do not counsel you to despair. Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance."
Samuel Johnson
"Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round – remembering that the man who always fights one more round is never whipped." James Corbett
"There is no achievement without goals."Robert J. McKaine
"It is those who concentrate on but one thing at a time who advance in this world."
Og Mandino
"I respect the man who knows distinctly what he wishes. The greater part of all mischief in the world arises from the fact that men do not sufficiently understand their own aims. They have undertaken to build a tower, and spend no more labor on the foundation than would be necessary to erect a hut."John Wolfgang von Goethe
"Success is not measured in achievement of goals, but in the stress and strain of meeting those goals."Spencer W. Kimball
"Reduce your plan to writing... The moment you complete this, you will have definitely given concrete form to the intangible desire." Napoleon Hill
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
This is no place to try and live my life.
_______________________________________
I have this never-sinking feeling, that...If I don't get out of here, right after I graduate highschool, that Peoria is going to be someplace...I get stuck. Nothing against Peoria, but I feel as if it has nothing left to offer. Yes, all teenagers think that about their hometown..but I'm making the steps to get out of here, as soon as possible.
I'm taking as many classes as possible, and they're mostly relevant to what I want to master in. And alot of them, are one semester classes, which means they're more focused, somewhat.
I'm already getting tons of stuff from colleges...
And I'm taking an even bigger step..I'm setting up an appointment, with an ICC admissions councilor soon, to see if I can get myself set up with some basic college courses for either, the first and second semester of my junior year, or the last semester and a summer semester of my junior year, and I hopefully want to do this my senior year, as well. My Peoria Promise [ the stuff that pays for two years of college] doesn't go into effect until AFTER I graduate though..So..My mom and dad would be paying for the classes, but, in the end, it would be worth it. I deffiantly need to talk to an admissions councilor soon, to see what tests I need to pass, and if it's possible to get me set up.
These are all the classes I'm taking my junior year [in highschool, the college thing..still needs to be set up.]
Health Careers II [ I took Health Careers One, the first semester of my sophomore year, second semester was First Aid] {This is the Dual Credit class! :D } One Semester Class.
Health Care Connections One semester class
English 5-6 [fifth and sixth semester, so it's a full year class]
Journalism :D One semester
Spanish [1-2, first and second semester of this language, full year class.]
Mathematical Investigations {It's like..geometry, and algebra. It's a mixture. My guidance councilor strongly suggested it over plain geometry.} [full year class]
AP Psychology One semester class
US History [Full year class]
Andddd Early bird PE. [full year]
I quit ROTC, yes.
It didn't feel right for me anymore, honestly.
Senior year, I'll probably take a whole bunch of classes too. :]
I don't mind the work...It'll pay off, in the end.
__________________________________________________________
"Dreams are extremely important. You can’t do it unless you imagine it."
–– George Lucas
"No dream comes true until you wake up and go to work." Anonymous
"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
"Toil, feel, think, hope; you will be sure to dream enough before you die, without arranging for it." John Sterling
"If your determination is fixed, I do not counsel you to despair. Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance."
Samuel Johnson
"Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round – remembering that the man who always fights one more round is never whipped." James Corbett
"There is no achievement without goals."Robert J. McKaine
"It is those who concentrate on but one thing at a time who advance in this world."
Og Mandino
"I respect the man who knows distinctly what he wishes. The greater part of all mischief in the world arises from the fact that men do not sufficiently understand their own aims. They have undertaken to build a tower, and spend no more labor on the foundation than would be necessary to erect a hut."John Wolfgang von Goethe
"Success is not measured in achievement of goals, but in the stress and strain of meeting those goals."Spencer W. Kimball
"Reduce your plan to writing... The moment you complete this, you will have definitely given concrete form to the intangible desire." Napoleon Hill
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Did Anyone Try To Hard?
Love, life
One speaks for the other one here.
And love, life
One speaks for the other one now.
We'll try to get by.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
'Cause ever since the minute I saw your face,
Well, I knew I wanted to be in that place, next to you, yeah.
And now I'll spend my whole life tryin'
To be the one that's in your arms.
I'll try to get by.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
Isn't it alright?
Why can't it be just this once alright?
It will be you and me.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
_______________________________________
Today, it's really hitting me.
I know his intention wasn't to break me apart...but that's what happened. I don't blame anyone. People grow apart. I wanted it to work, I wanted to make it work. I...really had hope in us. I..gave him myself completely and totally, even the little messed up parts. I don't really regret it;; everything happens for a reason, good or bad. Alot of little things..that I remember, really hurt. I'm in a way, a bit bitter. That will pass. Trust me, I don't stay like this forever.
It just..hurts..that you go from one extreme [being so happy together..planning for the future] then sulking over losing them
I understand why he's upset that I'm acting like I'm over him, and that I've been talking to someone new. But...honestly. This someone new, isn't new. I've known them since 7th grade. I almost dated him first. He's always listened, and always been there. He even left when i told him i couldnt handle being friends with him, while dating someone else..because the chemistry was too insane. This kid keeps me happy. Always has made me happy, too. And I've done the same for him. We'll see what happens. He's willing to accept me, even with all the broken and battered pieces.
I need an other dose of happy, before I crash.
Here's to a New Year...with new lessons..new ache..new..everything..even if I may not be fond of it, it's life.
______________________________________________________
Your little spells worked quietly
Your goodbyes left me wondering
Now that I'm gone you contemplate
If you're over me, Well you used to be
I'm not the jealous type
Who doesn't sleep at night
You've got your karma
I know I've got mine
And all my tears will air dry
With just a little time
I used to wake up every morning
And all I could do was think of you
One speaks for the other one here.
And love, life
One speaks for the other one now.
We'll try to get by.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
'Cause ever since the minute I saw your face,
Well, I knew I wanted to be in that place, next to you, yeah.
And now I'll spend my whole life tryin'
To be the one that's in your arms.
I'll try to get by.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
Isn't it alright?
Why can't it be just this once alright?
It will be you and me.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
Did anyone try too hard?
Well I guess I did.
I guess I did, alright.
She'll break my heart.
She'll break my heart.
_______________________________________
Today, it's really hitting me.
I know his intention wasn't to break me apart...but that's what happened. I don't blame anyone. People grow apart. I wanted it to work, I wanted to make it work. I...really had hope in us. I..gave him myself completely and totally, even the little messed up parts. I don't really regret it;; everything happens for a reason, good or bad. Alot of little things..that I remember, really hurt. I'm in a way, a bit bitter. That will pass. Trust me, I don't stay like this forever.
It just..hurts..that you go from one extreme [being so happy together..planning for the future] then sulking over losing them
I understand why he's upset that I'm acting like I'm over him, and that I've been talking to someone new. But...honestly. This someone new, isn't new. I've known them since 7th grade. I almost dated him first. He's always listened, and always been there. He even left when i told him i couldnt handle being friends with him, while dating someone else..because the chemistry was too insane. This kid keeps me happy. Always has made me happy, too. And I've done the same for him. We'll see what happens. He's willing to accept me, even with all the broken and battered pieces.
I need an other dose of happy, before I crash.
Here's to a New Year...with new lessons..new ache..new..everything..even if I may not be fond of it, it's life.
______________________________________________________
Your little spells worked quietly
Your goodbyes left me wondering
Now that I'm gone you contemplate
If you're over me, Well you used to be
I'm not the jealous type
Who doesn't sleep at night
You've got your karma
I know I've got mine
And all my tears will air dry
With just a little time
I used to wake up every morning
And all I could do was think of you
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