The Human Mind, Is An Amazing Thing..

It's amazing, how you can try to lie to yourself, how you give yourself such false hope, and afterwhile, you let it fall into the category of almost believing it. You pretty much force yourself to believe in it. You give yourself your false hope..even though you know in the end; it'll still sting. But you keep that false hope alive, because you're human. You can't help but wish things don't turn out a certain way..and then when they turn out..and it's not how you wanted..that false hope gets to you, and you have to either let it break lose and understand what's happened, and swallow it back and pass the pain along until later. You lie to yourself, because it's easier than dealing with it all at once.
Grief and stress..other amazing body functions..sometimes you don't realize how much you have, until you're overwhelmed. Until all those memories flood your mind, and make you numb. Until you're choking on tears, and trying to keep that mask up.
I admit it. I have been trying to stall the memories of my grandfather in my head. I admit that i have been trying to avoid going to see him. I love him, i do. He used to be the strongest person i ever knew. He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike, he built me a swing set..he used to pick me up and twirl me around until i couldnt tell which way was up and which way was down. He was the one who used to yell at my brother when he told me there were monsters who lived in the basement. He was the one who used to make sure I didnt get picked on by my older brother when they were babysitting us. He used to be a sturdy man, always with something planned in his head. He was always building stuff, and repairing things.
Ever since his head injury..he has never been the same. He's never been the same strong, clear headed grandfather i once looked up to. He started losing weight. His memory was gone..his speech and attention wavered.. He wasnt my grandfather anymore..he wasnt the same person i grew up with..
So he's been in the nursing home. [this is many years after the head injury, but yeah..] And there's so much going on. So so much. My grandmother's issues...its been stressing me out.
I went to the nursing home today..and he was sound asleep on his bed..His body so frail..so pale...so small..Nothing like the sturdy grandfather i once had, the one i could barely wrap my arms around when i was young. The memories started to flood my head as soon as his eyes fluttered open. He looked at me, with such a blank, empty gaze..I could tell he was searching for my name..He looked at my mom, then my dad..and simply asked who i was..i cringed a little, as i looked around at all the pictures of our family on his walls..tons of me were plastered on the wall..a few of me all dressed up at my cousin's wedding...one of me in my rotc uniform..one of me in the dress i wore to the marine corps ball in november..one of me riding colonel at cirt back in summer..one of me with tino's head over my shoulder...one with my cousin Alex and I..One of me on christmas morning, smiling like a little girl...some of them even had my name written under them.. I could tell today wasnt his day..He knew everyone else in the room at the moment, but me. It made my heart jump...and i had to bite my lip and swallow back the tears that were staring to form as the memories started to overwhelm my mind.
My mother started talking about the hospice workers..they come in and check on him..basicaly..their mission is to make sure he's comfortable before he dies...That was an other thing that made my heart jump. I sighed, and wiped my eyes. My parents thought i was fine...After we said goodbye..and we were walking down the hallway and out of the building, my dad looked at me, and i had a grim expression on my face. He gently wrapped my arms around me and asked what was wrong, and i just shook my head, and said "Nothing..let's go home..kay?" He shrugged and walked out to the car with me. He seemed to think i was fine. I'm rather good at putting up a strong front with some people when I want. I admit, some people can totally see through my strong fronts. Some people understand me, and are in deep enough to know.
And to be honest..that sort of scares me..to know that they're in so deep, that i can be so vunerable with them..that they can see me at that stage...but it's also a weight off my shoulders..because they can tell whats happening without me saying a word..or i can say I'm fine..but they know..that sometimes..i'm not fine. And they know how to fix me. They know when to leave me to think and sort it all out..and they know when to comfort me and take my mind away from it..or confront the thoughts and help me along the way. It's amazing that, an other mind can connect, and help an other mind so well..that an other can see someone at their weakest, and still know that it takes a strong person to break down. So to all those, who can see through my strong fronts...i'm sorry that at times, I'm difficult to deal with, that i don't always open up when i need to, and then it all pours out at once..but i thank you..for being the rock that holds me steady, and for being the arms that always catch me when i fall.

-Lizzie-



---quotes---

to accomplish great things we must
not only act but also dream

it's amazing, really, just how much pain the human heart can take.
-Nora Roberts


Truth is, sometimes you scare the crap out of me. You make me feel as if I'm not alone, yet I know any minute you have the ability to rip that feeling from me. Truth is, I love you & that in itself is scary enough.

Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years

Yes, I know it's late, but please don't leave me alone.
Just stay a little longer;a few more minutes, an hour or two...
hell, what am I saying?
Don't leave me...
I never want to be without you.



And so I fell. And I fell forever and so quickly at the same time, daydreaming whole novellas in the half a second it took me to fall, yet for one reason or another I never hit the ground. I landed in the arms of all those I had ever loved, of those who had slipped gently into my life and seemed to fit so perfectly. Looking around, I realized that there was always someone there to catch me, one of those glorious souls with a story to tell, those beautiful folk who have made an impact in my life, and it occurred to me that in this crazy world none of us really ever hit the ground. We can fall, spinning through space like mad cosmic frisbees, but in the end there will always be someone to complete our grand finale. And we will spin wildly right into their arms.